My Mother Said

When I was young and I failed to achieve a goal, after trying really hard, my mother always said: “Sissy, you cannot be good at everything, the other people will feel bad!”

The implied message being there are other things I’m good at, so what if not in this one. Her words always made me smile, and feel a little better about my failed attempt.

Oh, to go through life building others up and not tearing them down. Especially with the soul of a child we have to be so careful. The young still do not have adequate defense mechanisms to protect their self-image against the onslaught of hurtful words.

So again it comes down to words: how you express yourself makes all the difference. An incident that has stayed with me for over decades now is a scene I witnessed in a shopping mall: A little girl, around 2 years old, was standing in a cart. (Or trolley, buggy - depending on where in the world you find yourself.) She was standing in the front but then got tired and sat down on an ice cream tub behind her. The next moment her mother yelled: “Get off the ice-cream!! Can you not think it will melt?!!” The poor little thing flew off that tub with such a bewildered, fearful and ashamed expression on her face.

I wish I had walked over to that mother and said: “Your child very likely does not yet know the difference between the solid and liquid states of ice-cream and she definitely has not yet developed the ability to foresee future consequences. So to answer your question, no, she could not have think that it would melt. Instead of teaching and instructing, you've made her feel bad about herself and made her feel that the world is an unpredictable place where people can suddenly, and for no reason, be angry at you.”

I should have added: “And if you continue to talk to your child like this, don’t be surprised when she shows you no respect when she is a teen. Children learn by watching us and you modeled disrespect today.” I should have said all that, but to my shame, I said nothing. I wonder how that little girl is doing today. And all the other little girls and boys who are, and were, torn down by words, when they should have been instructed, or built up, or encouraged. It does not matter how tiny the person is; feeling disrespected, insignificant, powerless, ashamed, or humiliated, hurts, and it causes damage to the person's sense of self-worth, dignity, and identity.

No doubt, you who are reading this, was damaged by hurtful words as well. Why don’t we break the cycle? If you don’t have anything good or constructive to say, then say nothing. But also, let us break the cycle in ourselves. All too often we adopt the hurtful words of others and say them to ourselves. Silence that internal critic, which can be easier said than done. For those grafted to the Vine, we don't have to do it alone, the Spirit helps us every day to look a little more like our Savior. This process not only heals our self-image, it also changes how we speak to others.

If you are not yet grafted to the Vine, why not do so, today?

Reen